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Terrorists Invade Condom Factories!

Deranged workers in condom factories have punched tiny holes in millions of condoms — making the AIDS virus even more difficult to guard against.

Police say the holes are just big enough for sperm to swim through, but too small to be seen by the naked eye.

“This is more than just criminal activity,” says Joe Blitzmore, of the CQA (Condom Quality Agency), in Gary, Indiana.

“This is domestic terrorism of the worst order. There are people out there who need this protection, and they are scared to death to have sex. I know. I’m one of them.”

Blitzmore is a bachelor who has always enjoyed changing sex partners periodically, which is what motivated him to found the CQA three years ago.

“Making love these days is like playing Russian Roulette, no matter what measures you take,” says the CQA chief. “It takes the fun out of it.”

Police do have some leads in the case, but they are reluctant to talk about it too much, for fear of giving the terrorists publicity.

“That’s exactly what they want,” says Mark Stunden, a special investigator for the SAPF (Special AIDS Police Force). He says the terrorists could have any number of reasons for doing what they do.

“They could simply be workers in condom factories who feel they are underpaid and are mad at their rich bosses,” says Stunden. “They want to get revenge by destroying the reputations of the companies they work for.”

The condom industry, which is experiencing its biggest boom in history, has become a multi-billion dollar business.

“Or it could be a group of AIDS victims who want to get back at society. They’re frustrated with discrimination, especially against children, and with life in general,” Stunden says.

Many employers have fired people when they found out they had AIDS because they didn’t want to spend time with them. Some schools have refused to let children with AIDS attend, denying them any normal life at all.

“Or it could be the work of a religious sect,” Stunden says. “We just don’t know what the motivation is, but we’ll find out when we catch them.”

Some religious groups believe that AIDS is a deliberate curse on Earth, designed by God. These people feel that condoms shouldn’t be used, and that AIDS gives gays and sexually wild people just what they deserve.

Police only know three things for sure.

The holes are being punched by a group of well-organized, diabolical terrorists.

It is probably being done in the last stage of condom manufacturing, just before packaging, by quality checkers, to about one out of every five condoms.

And the holes are being punched with an extremely thin needle. Its point is estimated as being ten times smaller than the average sewing needle. This makes it nearly impossible to detect the defect until it is too late.

From Confessions of a Tabloid Writer!

1 comment to Terrorists Invade Condom Factories!

  • Young Kwak

    Deranged workers in condom factories have punched tiny holes in millions of condoms — making the AIDS virus even more difficult to guard against.

    Why call them deranged?
    I would think that they took an ingenious course of action…though very disrespective to others…there is a note to admiring the cunningness and devotion to their beliefs. Just because they have a different viewpoints on certain topics does not mean they are “deranged”.
    If i were to take the viewpoint of a very conservative religous outlook, then i would say that the reason AID’s really spreads is due to: 1) ignorance, 2) sexual demoralization, 3) lack of people to resist carnal instincts, 4) bad decision making.

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