They’re called tweets, President Mubarak

They're called tweets, President Mubarak (a short play)

Last modified on 2011-01-29 22:47:52 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

President Hosni Mubarak
President Hosni Mubarak

The private chambers of EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT HOSNI MUBARAK.  He works at his desk, with paper and pencil.  Enter CHIEF OF STAFF.

SCENE 1

EGYPTIAN CHIEF OF STAFF:  Mr. President, the people are revolting.

PRESIDENT HOSNI MUBARAK: You can say that again.

CHIEF:  No Sir, I mean they are actually revolting.

MUBARAK:  What seems to be the problem?

CHIEF:  They want a middle class, Sir.

MUBARAK:  They’ve got one.

CHIEF:  It’s disappeared, Sir.

MUBARAK:  Disappeared!  You are in the middle class.

CHIEF:  I’m the only one, Sir.  We basically have two economic classes now, Sir.  The poor.  And the billionaires.

MUBARAK:  Who is revolting?

CHIEF:  The poor.

MUBARAK:  That’s good to hear.  I’ve got enough problems without having a bunch of unhappy billionaires on my back.

CHIEF:  I’m not so sure, Sir.  There are so many poor people.

MUBARAK: So where exactly is this revolt?

CHIEF:  In the streets.

MUBARAK:  Then close the streets.

CHIEF:  We’ve tried that, Sir.  They keep moving to another street.  We can’t close them all.

MUBARAK:  Of course we can.  Impose a curfew.

CHIEF:  Yes, Sir.

SCENE 2

CHIEF:  The people are still revolting.

MUBARAK:  I’m sure they are.

CHIEF:  The curfew isn’t working, Sir.

MUBARAK:  Why not?

CHIEF:  They won’t listen.  It’s impossible to enforce.

MUBARAK:  Cut off the telephones.  That’ll stop ’em.

CHIEF:  They aren’t calling each other, Sir.  They’re using the Internet.

MUBARAK:  Excuse me?

CHIEF:  The Internet, Sir.  Computers wired together.

MUBARAK: They can do that?

CHIEF:  Yes Sir.  They also have wireless devices.  And they text.

MUBARAK:  Since when do the common poor use these Internets?

CHIEF:  They use it quite a bit, Sir.

MUBARAK:  And they talk to each other on this?

CHIEF:  Yes, Sir.  Mostly with social networking sites.

MUBARAK:  Why would the common peasant need this?

CHIEF:  Fun, mostly. They share things and tweet.  For example, yesterday I posted some amazing pictures of my granddaughter’s birthday party.  In some ways, I think it makes for a richer online experience.

MUBARAK:  Isn’t that nice.

CHIEF:  They also use these sites to discuss politics and plan protests.

MUBARAK:  Then this is the problem.  What are the names of these so-called websites?

CHIEF:  Facebook.  Twitter.  Youtube.

MUBARAK:  Shut these down!  Immediately!

CHIEF:  I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

MUBARAK:  If it resides inside my head, then by definition, it’s a good idea.  Would you like to have your head cut off?

CHIEF:  No Sir.

MUBARAK:  Then ban these Facebooks and Twitters.

CHIEF:  Yes Sir.

SCENE 3

CHIEF:  Mr. President, the people are really revolting now.

MUBARAK:  Tell me about it.

CHIEF:  It’s not a modifier, Sir.  It’s a verb.  Hundreds of thousands of them are in the streets now, revolting.  I’m afraid they might set this building on fire.

MUBARAK:  Still that middle class bullshit?

CHIEF:  The economic grievances have been building for some time, Sir.  But the more immediate problem now is Facebook and Twitter.

MUBARAK:  I told you to shut those down.

CHIEF:  We did that, Sir.  It made the problem worse.

MUBARAK:  If we turned it off, then why is it worse?

CHIEF:  The people want to Tweet, Sir.  They want to update their Facebook status and connect with their friends.  They’re angry.

MUBARAK:  Have the police arrest them.

CHIEF:  Not an option, Sir.

MUBARAK:  If it comes out of my mouth, then it’s an option.

CHIEF:  The police are on their side.

MUBARAK:  On their side?

CHIEF:  Yes, Sir.

MUBARAK:  But the police work for me.

CHIEF:  Police are people, too, Sir.  The revolt is widespread.

MUBARAK:  So the police are not following orders?

CHIEF:  No Sir.

MUBARAK:  Then call out the military.  I’ve never had any problem with them.

CHIEF:  That may piss the people off even more.

MUBARAK:  Maybe so.  But if we kill a few, the rest of the people will fall in line.

SCENE 4

CHIEF:  The people are still revolting, Sir.

MUBARAK:  I’m well aware of that.  Have we killed a few?

CHIEF:  Yes, Sir.

MUBARAK:  And they’re still up to no good?

CHIEF:  They’re fighting back, Sir.  They’re filling the streets and burning government buildings.

MUBARAK:  Then perhaps we should kill some more.

CHIEF:  You may want to leave the country, Sir.

MUBARAK:  Leave the country?  You think I need a vacation?

CHIEF:  No Sir.  You may need to leave permanently, Sir.

MUBARAK:  You would look very different without a head.

CHIEF:  I’m sure I would, Sir.  But part of my job description is advising you.

MUBARAK:  And you would risk your life by advising me to leave my country?

CHIEF:  Only because it may save your life.

MUBARAK:  Nonsense.  Where would I go?

CHIEF:  South America is always a good option.

MUBARAK:  And who would lead my people?

CHIEF:  They want to select a different leader.

MUBARAK:  I don’t understand.

CHIEF:  The people are ready for a change, Sir.

MUBARAK:  After 30 years — the best years of my life — and this is the thanks I get?  That’ll be all.  You can leave now.

CHIEF:  They want change in their government.

MUBARAK:  You’re talking gibberish.  You may go now.

CHIEF:  It’s been a pleasure, Mr. President.  I’m going to Paraguay.

MUBARAK:  Paraguay!  What’s in Paraguay?

CHIEF:  Google it.

MUBARAK:  What does that mean?

CHIEF:  Goodbye, Sir.

He exits.

end of play

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