DeSantis in FLOVIDA

Inside the office of Governor Ron DeSantis. The Governor sits with two advisors. He’s reading his speech aloud from a piece of paper.

GOVERNOR

(reading)

And God bless the United States of America.

(He looks up at his advisors).

I like this.

CHIEF OF STAFF

Thank you, Governor.

GOVERNOR

It gets right to the heart of it.

CHIEF OF STAFF

Well good. I’m glad it pleases.

GOVERNOR

Oh, it pleases. When there’s a million bucks on the table, by God, it pleases the shit out of me!

CHIEF OF STAFF

Michigan’s not fucking around.

GOVERNOR

What if we don’t raise that much? It’s fifty thousand per plate and there are twenty people coming. That should be a million dollars. IF they all show up and write the checks. Could some of it fall through? How many do you think will fall through? What do you think we’ll end up with?

CHIEF OF STAFF

Governor, it looks solid to me.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

That’s not a strong look.

GOVERNOR

What? My nose? Should I tilt it this way?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

I’m talking about your whining! You’re so scared of not raising a million dollars! Wha wha wha! Is that the way a tough guy talks?

GOVERNOR

No.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Is that the way a big man talks?

GOVERNOR

No.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Is that the way a big, tough man talks when he is on his way to kicking ass in Michigan and having a gigantic bag of money to take to Iowa and New Hampshire?

GOVERNOR

No.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Don’t forget tough. That’s your mantra. Tough. Nothing else matters. Just tough.

GOVERNOR

Okay. I got it.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Good.

GOVERNOR

Look at my hair. I mean, it looks good — but it’s a little wet, you think? A little too much gel, you think?

CHIEF OF STAFF

It’s fine. We’re in Florida. People in Michigan know about the humidity here.

GOVERNOR

(touching his hair)

I don’t know.

CHIEF OF STAFF

It’s fine. Really. (to Political Advisor) What do you think?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

It’s okay.

GOVERNOR

You don’t like it.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

I like it. For the screen, I like it. I mean it’s freaky as shit, a little terrifying, really — but it’s your calling card and it’s perfect. Remember, Governor, your hair is not yours, and it’s not hair. Strong leaders know how to conduct a freak show and they need freak show hair. Look at Trump. Hitler’s mustache. There’s no telling what kind of product Stalin used, but he used plenty of it. Your hair…it could be a little longer and go up — vertically — a little more. Like Gaetz. But that can evolve over time. It’s perfect now. With that distinctive squeaky-victim voice you do so well… these are the DeSanto brand.

GOVERNOR

DeSantis.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Whatever. My point is that your stupid looking hair isn’t even yours. It belongs to the Trump base — and they are accustomed to a hell of a freak show, godawful hair included. They eat that gaudy shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If you don’t up your game pretty soon, you’ll put ’em to sleep in five minutes. Your hair’s fine. You need more of it, but it’s okay.

CHIEF OF STAFF

We leave for Michigan in thirty minutes and I’ve got some things here about COVID that you need to know about.

GOVERNOR

COVID? I’m sick of COVID.

CHIEF OF STAFF

We all are. But it’s not sick of us.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

You should give COVID a kiss every day for what it’s done for you. You would be nobody without COVID.

CHIEF OF STAFF

We need a response to the feds sending ventilators.

GOVERNOR

I already responded. I don’t know anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

But even if you don’t know about it when you say you don’t know about it, after that, you know about it, so there needs to be something for the next time we’re asked about why we need so many ventilators.

GOVERNOR

But I don’t know anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

But now you’ve been told about it.

GOVERNOR

So what.

CHIEF OF STAFF

You know about it.

GOVERNOR

I don’t know anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

To them, you do.

GOVERNOR

Who’s them?

CHIEF OF STAFF

The mayors. You’re bombarded with calls from hospitals.

GOVERNOR

I’m not talking to them.

CHIEF OF STAFF

I know that. But I am.

GOVERNOR

So I don’t know anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

You still might need an answer up your sleeve, just in case…Newsmax or OAN could screw up and ask… you need something about the ventilators.

GOVERNOR

Maybe I could say something like, ‘My heart goes out to…’

POLITICAL ADVISOR

You weak fuck! Shut up!

GOVERNOR

That was a joke.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Oh yeah? Then it was a bad one. Your heart goes out?

GOVERNOR

Seriously, I was just messing with you. That was a joke.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

It didn’t sound like a joke to me. I’ve heard you tell jokes. And I’ve heard you cover your ass, which is what you’re tying to do. Listen, Governor, from now until November 2024, you ain’t got no heart. Understand?

GOVERNOR

I know that. No heart.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Fuck no! No heart! You may have an Italian sounding name, but your primary voters want somebody who is white. And I mean completely white. And Christian. And tough. If you think they want you to have a fucking goddamn heart, you’re out of your white southern mind!

GOVERNOR

So I should never say the word ‘heart,’ or just not reference having one in the metaphoric sense, as in…

POLITICAL ADVISOR

No heart. No feelings. No understanding. No Harvard. No Yale. No empathy, goddammit! If you give one shit about anybody who is suffering, you’ve lost. Your base won’t tolerate that shit. These people don’t want red meat. They want raw red meat. Your heart? That’s like giving them a vegetable.

GOVERNOR

I understand.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

With the exception of one group. Mask haters. Especially parents. Empathizing with parents who hate masks is good. If you’re dying to pull your smiling public face routine, use it on them. But that’s it.

GOVERNOR

Okay. Let me give this a shot.

(He smirks and then sneers)

We don’t know about any ventilators. We don’t need any ventilators! Biden is letting Mexicans in and distracting you with ventilators — in my state. We’re a state of personal responsibility! If Floridians need ventilators, they can go out and buy their own and ventilate themselves!

CHIEF OF STAFF

Leave out that last part.

GOVERNOR

(to Janet)

Was that tough?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Loved it.

CHIEF OF STAFF

He can’t tell people to go buy their own ventilators.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Works for me.

CHIEF OF STAFF

That’s like saying ‘let them eat cake’ and ‘let them die’ all in one stroke.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

That’s why it works. And it also hits that trickle down purity message hard. Be rich — or die. Buy your own damn ventilator — or die. I love it. The libs will get a full news cycle of outrage out of that one. It’s brilliant, Governor. Retweet gold. Just brilliant.

GOVERNOR

Thank you.

CHIEF OF STAFF

Okay, so your good on the ventilators. They buy their own. What about the feds sending doctors and nurses?

GOVERNOR

I don’t know anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

Now you do.

GOVERNOR

No I don’t. I never heard anything about that.

CHIEF OF STAFF

I just told you.

GOVERNOR

So I’m supposed to trust you as a valid source of data?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Excellent.

CHIEF OF STAFF

I am your Chief of Staff.

GOVERNOR

So what? Is that information verified?

CHIEF OF STAFF

Yes.

GOVERNOR

But it’s a lie! It’s fake! Want me to tell you how I know?

CHIEF OF STAFF

Okay.

GOVERNOR

Was it in the media?

CHIEF OF STAFF

It’s all over the media. The federal government sending in ventilators, nurses, docs…turning parking lots into tent hospitals, turning away people at hospitals and urgent cares, not sending ambulances… an all time record in hospitalizations with exponential spread… denying health care in emergencies… it’s all over the…

GOVERNOR

Media! The media! Aha!

CHIEF OF STAFF

Uh, yeah. the media.

GOVERNOR

Proof! It’s fake.

(to Political Advisor)

That’s a lot of media.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Well done, Governor. Well done. And it never would have happened if you had not gone to fucking court to keep those masks out of our schools and businesses and cruise ships.

GOVERNOR

You were right about that.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Of course I was right. No masks in school. Cruises with unvaccinated people. And now your brilliant suggestion to treat only the rich. You’ve got a ways to go, but your getting tougher. I can see it.

GOVERNOR

Tough.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Tough.

CHIEF OF STAFF

We’ve got to get going.

GOVERNOR

Do you think Trump will let me run?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Maybe. If you’re white enough.

GOVERNOR

He likes me. Don’t you think?

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Maybe.

GOVERNOR

I hope he likes me.

POLITICAL ADVISOR

Tough!

GOVERNOR

(whining) Okay. Tough.