Inside the office of Governor Ron DeSantis. The Governor sits with two advisors. He’s reading his speech aloud from a piece of paper.
GOVERNOR
(reading)
And God bless the United States of America.
(He looks up at his advisors).
I like this.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Thank you, Governor.
GOVERNOR
It gets right to the heart of it.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Well good. I’m glad it pleases.
GOVERNOR
Oh, it pleases. When there’s a million bucks on the table, by God, it pleases the shit out of me!
CHIEF OF STAFF
Michigan’s not fucking around.
GOVERNOR
What if we don’t raise that much? It’s fifty thousand per plate and there are twenty people coming. That should be a million dollars. IF they all show up and write the checks. Could some of it fall through? How many do you think will fall through? What do you think we’ll end up with?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Governor, it looks solid to me.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
That’s not a strong look.
GOVERNOR
What? My nose? Should I tilt it this way?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
I’m talking about your whining! You’re so scared of not raising a million dollars! Wha wha wha! Is that the way a tough guy talks?
GOVERNOR
No.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Is that the way a big man talks?
GOVERNOR
No.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Is that the way a big, tough man talks when he is on his way to kicking ass in Michigan and having a gigantic bag of money to take to Iowa and New Hampshire?
GOVERNOR
No.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Don’t forget tough. That’s your mantra. Tough. Nothing else matters. Just tough.
GOVERNOR
Okay. I got it.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Good.
GOVERNOR
Look at my hair. I mean, it looks good — but it’s a little wet, you think? A little too much gel, you think?
CHIEF OF STAFF
It’s fine. We’re in Florida. People in Michigan know about the humidity here.
GOVERNOR
(touching his hair)
I don’t know.
CHIEF OF STAFF
It’s fine. Really. (to Political Advisor) What do you think?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
It’s okay.
GOVERNOR
You don’t like it.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
I like it. For the screen, I like it. I mean it’s freaky as shit, a little terrifying, really — but it’s your calling card and it’s perfect. Remember, Governor, your hair is not yours, and it’s not hair. Strong leaders know how to conduct a freak show and they need freak show hair. Look at Trump. Hitler’s mustache. There’s no telling what kind of product Stalin used, but he used plenty of it. Your hair…it could be a little longer and go up — vertically — a little more. Like Gaetz. But that can evolve over time. It’s perfect now. With that distinctive squeaky-victim voice you do so well… these are the DeSanto brand.
GOVERNOR
DeSantis.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Whatever. My point is that your stupid looking hair isn’t even yours. It belongs to the Trump base — and they are accustomed to a hell of a freak show, godawful hair included. They eat that gaudy shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If you don’t up your game pretty soon, you’ll put ’em to sleep in five minutes. Your hair’s fine. You need more of it, but it’s okay.
CHIEF OF STAFF
We leave for Michigan in thirty minutes and I’ve got some things here about COVID that you need to know about.
GOVERNOR
COVID? I’m sick of COVID.
CHIEF OF STAFF
We all are. But it’s not sick of us.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
You should give COVID a kiss every day for what it’s done for you. You would be nobody without COVID.
CHIEF OF STAFF
We need a response to the feds sending ventilators.
GOVERNOR
I already responded. I don’t know anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
But even if you don’t know about it when you say you don’t know about it, after that, you know about it, so there needs to be something for the next time we’re asked about why we need so many ventilators.
GOVERNOR
But I don’t know anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
But now you’ve been told about it.
GOVERNOR
So what.
CHIEF OF STAFF
You know about it.
GOVERNOR
I don’t know anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
To them, you do.
GOVERNOR
Who’s them?
CHIEF OF STAFF
The mayors. You’re bombarded with calls from hospitals.
GOVERNOR
I’m not talking to them.
CHIEF OF STAFF
I know that. But I am.
GOVERNOR
So I don’t know anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
You still might need an answer up your sleeve, just in case…Newsmax or OAN could screw up and ask… you need something about the ventilators.
GOVERNOR
Maybe I could say something like, ‘My heart goes out to…’
POLITICAL ADVISOR
You weak fuck! Shut up!
GOVERNOR
That was a joke.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Oh yeah? Then it was a bad one. Your heart goes out?
GOVERNOR
Seriously, I was just messing with you. That was a joke.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
It didn’t sound like a joke to me. I’ve heard you tell jokes. And I’ve heard you cover your ass, which is what you’re tying to do. Listen, Governor, from now until November 2024, you ain’t got no heart. Understand?
GOVERNOR
I know that. No heart.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Fuck no! No heart! You may have an Italian sounding name, but your primary voters want somebody who is white. And I mean completely white. And Christian. And tough. If you think they want you to have a fucking goddamn heart, you’re out of your white southern mind!
GOVERNOR
So I should never say the word ‘heart,’ or just not reference having one in the metaphoric sense, as in…
POLITICAL ADVISOR
No heart. No feelings. No understanding. No Harvard. No Yale. No empathy, goddammit! If you give one shit about anybody who is suffering, you’ve lost. Your base won’t tolerate that shit. These people don’t want red meat. They want raw red meat. Your heart? That’s like giving them a vegetable.
GOVERNOR
I understand.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
With the exception of one group. Mask haters. Especially parents. Empathizing with parents who hate masks is good. If you’re dying to pull your smiling public face routine, use it on them. But that’s it.
GOVERNOR
Okay. Let me give this a shot.
(He smirks and then sneers)
We don’t know about any ventilators. We don’t need any ventilators! Biden is letting Mexicans in and distracting you with ventilators — in my state. We’re a state of personal responsibility! If Floridians need ventilators, they can go out and buy their own and ventilate themselves!
CHIEF OF STAFF
Leave out that last part.
GOVERNOR
(to Janet)
Was that tough?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Loved it.
CHIEF OF STAFF
He can’t tell people to go buy their own ventilators.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Works for me.
CHIEF OF STAFF
That’s like saying ‘let them eat cake’ and ‘let them die’ all in one stroke.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
That’s why it works. And it also hits that trickle down purity message hard. Be rich — or die. Buy your own damn ventilator — or die. I love it. The libs will get a full news cycle of outrage out of that one. It’s brilliant, Governor. Retweet gold. Just brilliant.
GOVERNOR
Thank you.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Okay, so your good on the ventilators. They buy their own. What about the feds sending doctors and nurses?
GOVERNOR
I don’t know anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Now you do.
GOVERNOR
No I don’t. I never heard anything about that.
CHIEF OF STAFF
I just told you.
GOVERNOR
So I’m supposed to trust you as a valid source of data?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Excellent.
CHIEF OF STAFF
I am your Chief of Staff.
GOVERNOR
So what? Is that information verified?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Yes.
GOVERNOR
But it’s a lie! It’s fake! Want me to tell you how I know?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Okay.
GOVERNOR
Was it in the media?
CHIEF OF STAFF
It’s all over the media. The federal government sending in ventilators, nurses, docs…turning parking lots into tent hospitals, turning away people at hospitals and urgent cares, not sending ambulances… an all time record in hospitalizations with exponential spread… denying health care in emergencies… it’s all over the…
GOVERNOR
Media! The media! Aha!
CHIEF OF STAFF
Uh, yeah. the media.
GOVERNOR
Proof! It’s fake.
(to Political Advisor)
That’s a lot of media.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Well done, Governor. Well done. And it never would have happened if you had not gone to fucking court to keep those masks out of our schools and businesses and cruise ships.
GOVERNOR
You were right about that.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Of course I was right. No masks in school. Cruises with unvaccinated people. And now your brilliant suggestion to treat only the rich. You’ve got a ways to go, but your getting tougher. I can see it.
GOVERNOR
Tough.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Tough.
CHIEF OF STAFF
We’ve got to get going.
GOVERNOR
Do you think Trump will let me run?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Maybe. If you’re white enough.
GOVERNOR
He likes me. Don’t you think?
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Maybe.
GOVERNOR
I hope he likes me.
POLITICAL ADVISOR
Tough!
GOVERNOR
(whining) Okay. Tough.