Coffee Therapy — the play

SCENE 7
Alone in the shop, DARNELL washes some utinsels and drops a spoon. He ducks behind the coffee bar to pick it up. While he is doing this, DR. HARVEY SMITHBAR, a man with certain feminine characteristics, enters the shop. When DARNELL rises, DR. SMITHBAR is standing at the counter, and DARNELL is flabbergasted to see him.

DARNELL
Dr. Smithbar!

SMITHBAR
surprised
Yes. Who are you?

DARNELL
Darnell Shacklebee!

SMITHBAR
Who?

DARNELL
Don’t you remember me?

SMITHBAR
Not at all.
Pause.
Well, maybe. Vaguely. Where could we have met?

DARNELL
I was in therapy with you once a week for over two years!

SMITHBAR
Of course.

DARNELL
I was with my wife – couple counseling.

SMITHBAR
Sure. Right.

DARNELL
This is uncanny. All my therapists are here today.

SMITHBAR
condescending
There is a convention for therapists in this hotel.

DARNELL
Hey, let’s be friends. You want a cup of coffee?

SMITHBAR
Well, that’s what I came here for, but maybe I should just…

DARNELL
It’s on the house.

SMITHBAR
Well, I suppose I could have a single shot, almond, non-fat latte.
DARNELL starts to prepare the drink.

DARNELL
Listen, I could have sued your ass for malpractice.

SMITHBAR
quickly retreating
On second thought. Forget the coffee.

DARNELL
Hey, weren’t you a clinical psychologist?

SMITHBAR
leaving
Something like that.

DARNELL
Aside
Two years! And he never had a clue.
to DR. SMITHBAR
Hey, aren’t you guys trained to spot depression?

SMITHBAR
turning back
As I recall, that’s not what you came to see me for.

DARNELL
I thought you said you didn’t remember me.

SMITHBAR
Now I do.
SMITHBAR is on his way out of the shop, slowly.

DARNELL
You took my money, Dr. Smithbar. Thousands of dollars. Without a diagnosis.

SMITHBAR
Oh, there was a diagnosis all right.

DARNELL
Really. What was it?
SMITHBAR moves quickly to leave.

SMITHBAR
I forget.

DARNELL
calling
You should have referred me – to a real doctor!
SMITHBAR hurries out. He calls back.

SMITHBAR
I gotta go.

DARNELL
calling
Quack!

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