Coffee Therapy — the play

SCENE 14
SR. CORRIE and DARNELL look at the test results at home.

CORRIE
You’re obsessive as hell.

DARNELL
So what else is new?
Pause. They read.
DARNEL
You’re stubborn.

CORRIE
My mother’s been telling me that all my life.

DARNELL
She was right. This verifies it.

CORRIE
You’re manipulative, domineering, and immature. If you don’t get your way, your babyish or explosive – whatever it takes.

DARNELL
Okay, okay. Then you’re…
Pause. He reads.
…generous.

CORRIE
Thank you.

DARNELL
And,
Pause.
…stubborn. Really stubborn.

CORRIE
You’ve already said that.

DARNELL
And you hate disorganization, although you’re totally disorganized – probably because you live with me – which is probably why you…
He stops. They look at each other, thinking.

CORRIE
Which is why you get on my nerves. Because your disorganization keeps me from being able to think straight.
reading the results

DARNELL
We’re not a good match.
still reading

CORRIE
According to this, we’re a terrible match.

DARNELL
Well, I’d rather be an ENFP than an INFJ. And you’re lucky as hell I’m not an INTJ. You’d really be miserable.

CORRIE
I don’t know if you’re really an ENFP. If you were, you’d be more sensitive. You look more like an ISTJ to me. Were you honest on that test?

DARNELL
How can you question my status as an ENFP?

CORRIE
It doesn’t fit. You should be impetuous and sensitive.

DARNELL
I am.

CORRIE
Psssh. Right.

DARNELL
What if I said you weren’t an INFJ? How would that make you feel?

CORRIE
Like you were an ISTJ – and I’m not sure you aren’t one.
Pause.

DARNELL
slowly
You know? You could have a unique profile in which each test invalidates the other.
Pause.
So quit picking it apart!

CORRIE
Bullshit!

DARNELL
No. I think, according to this hemisphere test, you’re too left brained to take the other test.

CORRIE
Left brained? I knew you held that against me. I’d rather be slightly left brained than not have one.

DARNELL
I have a left brain.

CORRIE
You don’t use it. I use both sides of mine.

DARNELL
Or neither side.

CORRIE
Don’t get snippy. You’re jealous because I’m balanced and you’re not.

DARNELL
I like living life in the right brain.

CORRIE
It’s nice for you, but hell for others. Give us all a break and use your left side once in a while.

DARNELL
Then you use your right.

CORRIE
Unfair! I’m slightly to the left. Slightly. You’re skewed to the left!

DARNELL
Quit saying that!

CORRIE
I will, if you…just…just…see if you can get the hemispheres to mesh, that’s all!

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