Coffee Therapy — the play

SCENE 22
DARNELL and DR. ROSS, in the coffee shop.

DR. ROSS
You still can’t decide, can you?

DARNELL
Can’t decide what?

DR. ROSS
Can’t decide whether to take life seriously or treat it as a joke.

DARNELL
No, I can’t. But that’s the nature of the disorder, correct? Not knowing who I am? You told me that.

DR. ROSS
Nah. Piss on the disorder. That’s you, Darnell.

DARNELL
Maybe one day I’ll find a happy medium. Or just pick a side and stay there.

DR. ROSS
It’s better now. Wouldn’t you say?

DARNELL
Absolutely.

DR. ROSS
Sartre said something about angels and demons. ‘Don’t take away my demons, or you’ll take away my angels.’ Something like that. It’s a famous line; you know it?

DARNELL
No.
DR. ROSS

Ah, piss on Sartre – what’d he know?
Pause.

DARNELL
Who knows? You know, I think God was a manic depressive.

DR. ROSS
amused
God?

DARNELL
Yeah. You remember, the old fellow upstairs? Even you scientists have a vague memory of God.

DR. ROSS
Vague indeed. So how is God a manic depressive?

DARNELL
It’s obvious. Look at Abraham. One minute – God tells him he’s the father of multitudes, the chosen one. The next minute, He tells this hundred year old man to perform a circumcision on himself and his teenage son. Then his wife gets pregnant.

DR. ROSS
What the…?

DARNELL
It’s nuts!

DR. ROSS
Fair enough.

DARNELL
Then, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his long awaited son, Issac. The next minute, God’s just kidding. Also, he thinks Job is such a good guy, so he smites him and smites him and smites him – until he’s totally smoted. Look at Noah, David, Moses, Solomon – the guy is clearly manic. Look at what a fair shake he gave the Jews in America; then he turns right around and creates the Holocaust. I mean, He’s unstable. A lithium prescription for God would help us all out tremendously.

DR. ROSS
Well, pray for Him to give me a call; we’ll schedule an evaluation. Listen, I gotta go. Just wanted to stop by for a minute.
Excited, DARNELL tries to delay him.

DARNELL
I’ve got a theory about Jesus, too. Of course, I’m a Jew, so my perspective is a little different.

DR. ROSS allows himself to be entertained, but not delayed.

DR. ROSS
Next time, please. I’m due somewhere in a minute.

DARNELL
Yeah, I need to close up anyway. Thanks for coming by.

They shake hands. DR. ROSS exits.

DARNELL
Aside
You know what I like about this guy? He is sensitive enough to treat me…with a certain…insensitivity. I mean, suppose I try to tell him some sad story about my mother, or father, or brother, or sister, or roommate, or wife – do you think he cares? Hell no. He’d rather hear about my tennis game. He even likes to tell me about his new computer, or his new office space – whatever. Dr. Ross delivered me from the dark shadows of psychotherapy into the bright sunshine of psychopharmacology. He said he would refer me to a therapist, but then he calculated how much money I would save if I didn’t go. One time, I started to go into some bullshit I was worrying about, and he looked at his watch and stood up.

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