Crazy Jodie

SCENE 4

An old soft couch, an old soft chair, and two old soft women. BUBBIE sits on the couch and CLEMMIE in the chair.

BUBBIE is the Jewish grandmother. She speaks with a Russian accent. CLEMMIE is the black maid who works in the house. BUBBIE knits. Together, they watch a soap opera.

When BUBBIE and CLEMMIE talk with each other, they don’t look at each other. They watch the T.V.

BUBBIE: Is she Jewish?

CLEMMIE: Naw.

BUBBIE: I think she is Jewish.

CLEMMIE: Now why do you say she is Jewish?

BUBBIE: I can see she is. Maybe her shoulders.

CLEMMIE: Her shoulders!

BUBBIE: They look Jewish.

CLEMMIE: There is no such thing as Jewish looking shoulders.

BUBBIE: The way she carries them.

CLEMMIE: She carries them like everybody else. Now she hasn’t done one thing on that show but give her husband a hard time about working with his first wife. I don’t see how that can make a person Jewish. They hadn’t ever said one word about anybody being Jewish. She hadn’t eatin’ a bite of Jewish food or even said a single Jewish word. And here you’re dead sure she’s Jewish.

BUBBIE: referring to another character on the show What about her?

CLEMMIE: The nurse?

BUBBIE: She’s Jewish.

CLEMMIE: I’ve told you a hundred times. She ain’t Jewish neither. She’s a nurse!

BUBBIE: She’s a Jewish nurse.

CLEMMIE: All she did was puff that man’s pillow and tell the doctor she’s comin’ over to his house tonight. How does that make a person Jewish?

BUBBIE: To me, she looks Jewish.

CLEMMIE: You think everybody looks Jewish.

BUBBIE: Not everybody. You don’t.

CLEMMIE: Now we both know I ain’t. I mean everybody on your shows.

BUBBIE: Not everybody. That man is not Jewish. He’s too tall.

CLEMMIE: None of ‘em are Jewish. They’re in some little town somewhere with nothin’ much but a hospital in it, and they don’t have no Jews or black people in the town. And if they did put a Jew on the show, they wouldn’t make it no secret either. They’d come right out and tell you because something like that would have to be a part of the show.

BUBBIE: Henry Kissinger is Jewish.

CLEMMIE: Maybe he is, but was on the news. This is your show.

BUBBIE: He’s a good man. Don’t ask me why he liked Nixon so much.

She refers to another character on the show.

I hate that man.

CLEMMIE: Me too.

BUBBIE: He tries to lie every way he can.

CLEMMIE: He’s the devil.

BUBBIE: Who could treat his own daughter that way?

CLEMMIE: He could, the ol’ buzzard.

BUBBIE: Too bad for his second wife. She’s a good woman.

CLEMMIE: And she don’t have the sense to realize what her first husband is up to. Poor darlin’ little girl. Has such a good mother and such an evil man for a father.

BUBBIE: speaking to the T.V. Don’t listen to him! He’s a scoundrel.

CLEMMIE: If I were her, I’d spit in his face.

BUBBIE: He wants to turn her against her own mother. After all she’s been through? It makes me sick.

They groan, relax, and look at each other.

CLEMMIE: Now here they go again. Hadn’t been two minutes since the last commercial, and they’re having the same one again. I might as well start running your bath.

BUBBIE: not especially pleased about this

Aaa.

Enter CHARLIE. The two women look up.

CHARLIE: Bubbie, it’s me. Hi Clemmie.

CLEMMIE: Charlie! I’ll be! It is Charlie.

BUBBIE: Who?

CLEMMIE: Your grandson. Charlie.

CHARLIE gives his grandmother a kiss on the cheek. She responds as if it happens every day.

BUBBIE: Oh. Charlie.

She looks in her purse and pulls out a dollar.

Here’s a dollar.

CHARLIE: No, Bubbie. I have a job now.

BUBBIE: Of course you do. Take it anyway.

CHARLIE: I don’t need the dollars anymore.

BUBBIE: Who can’t use another dollar?

CHARLIE: I make over a hundred thousand dollars a year.

BUBBIE: Of course you do. Put it in your pocket.

CLEMMIE: Charlie, she hasn’t seen you in a long time. Make her happy and take the money.

He takes the dollar and sits down beside her on the couch.

CHARLIE: How are you, Bubbie? You look fine.

BUBBIE: Ooooo. Sometimes my hip can really hurt.

CLEMMIE: Arthritis.

CHARLIE: You, Clemmie?

CLEMMIE: My feet kill me.

BUBBIE closes her eyes and takes a short nap.

CHARLIE: That’s that same TV that was always here.

CLEMMIE: Sure it is.

CHARLIE: No remote.

CLEMMIE: Don’t need one.

CHARLIE: She’s awful thin.

CLEMMIE: She’s always been small, but she don’t eat but three bites of food a day.

CHARLIE: Same couch. She still takes her naps on it?

CLEMMIE: She never gets in the bed no more. She just takes more naps.

to BUBBIE

It’s on!

BUBBIE awakes. The two women jerk their heads back toward the T.V.

BUBBIE: There he is again, that old scoundrel.

CLEMMIE: Up to no good right off the bat.

BUBBIE: He makes me want to turn off the television.

CLEMMIE: Don’t do that.

CHARLIE rises.

BUBBIE: If they would just talk to each other about him, everybody would be all right.

CLEMMIE: You got that right.

BUBBIE: Then they would know what he’s up to.

CLEMMIE: And they could tell him to go to hell.

BUBBIE: But the three of ‘em never get in the same room together.

CLEMMIE: That’s what drives me crazy. They do that on purpose, just to make us mad.

BUBBIE: Who?

CLEMMIE: The people who make the show.

BUBBIE: What people?

CHARLIE: Bubbie, they’re not real.

BUBBIE: Hush.

CLEMMIE: Don’t talk while her show’s on.

CHARLIE exits. The women don’t notice.

4 Replies to “Crazy Jodie”

  1. Sam ,

    I am , Aron Rao (42) , (male) working as a teacher at school in India . I came to see your wonderful play on this web . I am very happy to receive this play .

    Thank you
    yours sincerely ,
    Aron Rao. D.
    India
    mobile : +91-9492471625

  2. Can you please grant me permission to enact this play in my class?And is the play CRAZY JODIE only half?If not can you please suggest me some plays in which there are 6-7 characters

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