An old soft couch, an old soft chair, and two old soft women. BUBBIE sits on the couch and CLEMMIE in the chair.
BUBBIE is the Jewish grandmother. She speaks with a Russian accent. CLEMMIE is the black maid who works in the house. BUBBIE knits. Together, they watch a soap opera.
When BUBBIE and CLEMMIE talk with each other, they don’t look at each other. They watch the T.V.
BUBBIE: Is she Jewish?
BUBBIE: I think she is Jewish.
CLEMMIE: Now why do you say she is Jewish?
BUBBIE: I can see she is. Maybe her shoulders.
CLEMMIE: Her shoulders!
BUBBIE: They look Jewish.
CLEMMIE: There is no such thing as Jewish looking shoulders.
BUBBIE: The way she carries them.
CLEMMIE: She carries them like everybody else. Now she hasn’t done one thing on that show but give her husband a hard time about working with his first wife. I don’t see how that can make a person Jewish. They hadn’t ever said one word about anybody being Jewish. She hadn’t eatin’ a bite of Jewish food or even said a single Jewish word. And here you’re dead sure she’s Jewish.
BUBBIE: referring to another character on the show What about her?
CLEMMIE: The nurse?
BUBBIE: She’s Jewish.
CLEMMIE: I’ve told you a hundred times. She ain’t Jewish neither. She’s a nurse!
BUBBIE: She’s a Jewish nurse.
CLEMMIE: All she did was puff that man’s pillow and tell the doctor she’s comin’ over to his house tonight. How does that make a person Jewish?
BUBBIE: To me, she looks Jewish.
CLEMMIE: You think everybody looks Jewish.
BUBBIE: Not everybody. You don’t.
CLEMMIE: Now we both know I ain’t. I mean everybody on your shows.
BUBBIE: Not everybody. That man is not Jewish. He’s too tall.
CLEMMIE: None of ‘em are Jewish. They’re in some little town somewhere with nothin’ much but a hospital in it, and they don’t have no Jews or black people in the town. And if they did put a Jew on the show, they wouldn’t make it no secret either. They’d come right out and tell you because something like that would have to be a part of the show.
BUBBIE: Henry Kissinger is Jewish.
CLEMMIE: Maybe he is, but was on the news. This is your show.
BUBBIE: He’s a good man. Don’t ask me why he liked Nixon so much.
She refers to another character on the show.
I hate that man.
CLEMMIE: Me too.
BUBBIE: He tries to lie every way he can.
CLEMMIE: He’s the devil.
BUBBIE: Who could treat his own daughter that way?
CLEMMIE: He could, the ol’ buzzard.
BUBBIE: Too bad for his second wife. She’s a good woman.
CLEMMIE: And she don’t have the sense to realize what her first husband is up to. Poor darlin’ little girl. Has such a good mother and such an evil man for a father.
BUBBIE: speaking to the T.V. Don’t listen to him! He’s a scoundrel.
CLEMMIE: If I were her, I’d spit in his face.
BUBBIE: He wants to turn her against her own mother. After all she’s been through? It makes me sick.
They groan, relax, and look at each other.
CLEMMIE: Now here they go again. Hadn’t been two minutes since the last commercial, and they’re having the same one again. I might as well start running your bath.
BUBBIE: not especially pleased about this
Enter CHARLIE. The two women look up.
CHARLIE: Bubbie, it’s me. Hi Clemmie.
CLEMMIE: Charlie! I’ll be! It is Charlie.
CLEMMIE: Your grandson. Charlie.
CHARLIE gives his grandmother a kiss on the cheek. She responds as if it happens every day.
BUBBIE: Oh. Charlie.
She looks in her purse and pulls out a dollar.
Here’s a dollar.
CHARLIE: No, Bubbie. I have a job now.
BUBBIE: Of course you do. Take it anyway.
CHARLIE: I don’t need the dollars anymore.
BUBBIE: Who can’t use another dollar?
CHARLIE: I make over a hundred thousand dollars a year.
BUBBIE: Of course you do. Put it in your pocket.
CLEMMIE: Charlie, she hasn’t seen you in a long time. Make her happy and take the money.
He takes the dollar and sits down beside her on the couch.
CHARLIE: How are you, Bubbie? You look fine.
BUBBIE: Ooooo. Sometimes my hip can really hurt.
CHARLIE: You, Clemmie?
CLEMMIE: My feet kill me.
BUBBIE closes her eyes and takes a short nap.
CHARLIE: That’s that same TV that was always here.
CLEMMIE: Sure it is.
CHARLIE: No remote.
CLEMMIE: Don’t need one.
CHARLIE: She’s awful thin.
CLEMMIE: She’s always been small, but she don’t eat but three bites of food a day.
CHARLIE: Same couch. She still takes her naps on it?
CLEMMIE: She never gets in the bed no more. She just takes more naps.
BUBBIE awakes. The two women jerk their heads back toward the T.V.
BUBBIE: There he is again, that old scoundrel.
CLEMMIE: Up to no good right off the bat.
BUBBIE: He makes me want to turn off the television.
CLEMMIE: Don’t do that.
BUBBIE: If they would just talk to each other about him, everybody would be all right.
CLEMMIE: You got that right.
BUBBIE: Then they would know what he’s up to.
CLEMMIE: And they could tell him to go to hell.
BUBBIE: But the three of ‘em never get in the same room together.
CLEMMIE: That’s what drives me crazy. They do that on purpose, just to make us mad.
CLEMMIE: The people who make the show.
BUBBIE: What people?
CHARLIE: Bubbie, they’re not real.
CLEMMIE: Don’t talk while her show’s on.
CHARLIE exits. The women don’t notice.