Dodo of the Year

(Inside the house. PAUL and AMY enter. The family greets them eagerly, surrounding them, almost trapping them against the door. They stand and watch while LYNN makes the first move to greet them. She’s enthused.)
LYNN: Hey!
(She gives PAUL, her brother, a hug.)
Hey! This is her! Amy.
AMY: Hi.
LYNN: (anxious)
I’ll show you your room.
PAUL: Let us get these coats off.
JOAN: Wait a minute. We want to meet her.
(JOAN extends her hand to AMY.)
Hi. I’m Joan.
(KYLE shakes AMY’S hand.)
KYLE: Kyle.
(JACK, the father withholds any signs of warmth. He nods.)
PAUL: Grigoriy.
(GRIGORIY smiles and shakes her hand.)
LYNN: (speaking slowly)
Grigoriy…speaks…very…little…English. He’s…our…cousin…from…Russia. You’ll be downstairs. Here, I’ll show you the room, and the rest of the house.
(LYNN and AMY begin to exit.)
PAUL: Here, I’ll take care of these.
(AMY gives PAUL her coat and gloves. They exit.)
JACK: Where’d you meet her?
PAUL: Where’d I meet her? Well, uh, in London.
JACK: I know that. I mean, where?
PAUL: Where in London?
JACK: Yeah. Where in London?
PAUL: You don’t know London.
JACK: Did you meet her in a bar?
PAUL: They’re pubs.
JACK: You picked her up in a pub? Nice place?
PAUL: No. We met in a house, actually.
JACK: Whose house?
PAUL: I don’t have to tell you that.
JACK: I thought you brought her here because you wanted us to get to know her.
PAUL: We met in a friend’s house.
JOAN: Anybody we know?
JACK: How would you know him? Do you know anybody in London?
JOAN: You could have told us about him.
PAUL: I didn’t.
JOAN: Then tell us about him.
PAUL: He’s just somebody I knew.
JOAN: Who?
PAUL: I haven’t seen you in a year and that’s what you want to talk about?
JACK: Good as anything else.
PAUL: A guy I played squash with. We had a drink at his house and went out to dinner. He brought along some friends, including Amy.
JACK: What kind of restaurant?
PAUL: Curry.
JACK: What’s that?
PAUL: Indian. You wouldn’t like it.
JACK: Spicy?
PAUL: Very.
JACK: I’d hate it. What does he do?
PAUL: Roy? My squash partner?
JACK: Yeah. What does he do?
PAUL: What difference does that make?
JOAN: What’s the matter, Paul? Your father’s interested. He’s not unemployed, is he?
PAUL: He’s a photographer.
JACK: Portraits?
PAUL: Yeah, I guess. I don’t really know. He has a studio. We play squash.
JACK: Did he take her picture?
PAUL: Amy’s?
JACK: Yeah.
PAUL: I think so.
JOAN: Oh God. She’s a model.
PAUL: She’s not a model. I don’t know why Roy took her picture.
JACK: She must be a model.
PAUL: She works in an art museum. Maybe she did some modeling on the side.
JOAN: If they were nudes I’m not so sure how comfortable I feel about her being here.
PAUL: They weren’t nudes.
JACK: Have you seen the pictures?
JACK: You don’t really know.
PAUL: I know her. She’s nice. She’s a very intelligent art…history…type of person. In a museum. A curator or something. She did not pose nude.
KYLE: What’s so bad about posing nude?
PAUL: Nothing.
JACK: She’s a stripper.
JOAN: That’s disgusting.
PAUL: She’s not a stripper.
(Enter AMY and LYNN.)
AMY: This house is lovely.
JOAN: Glad you like it, dear.
KYLE: (skeptical) So you play squash? You?
PAUL: Yeah. It’s great.
KYLE: Doesn’t the ball get real hot?
PAUL: It gets livelier as you play.
KYLE: The rackets are skinny.
PAUL: Yeah.
KYLE: Dad, you played squash, didn’t you?
JACK: Handball.
KYLE: That’s right. Now that hurts your hands.
JACK: You’ve got to be tough.
KYLE: I played a couple of times. My right hand was red as hell. Swollen. Racketball is better.
JACK: That’s a sissy game for people who can’t play handball.
KYLE: Squash is really sissy.
PAUL: Not really. It’s more like tennis. You have to stroke the ball. It takes more skill than racketball.
KYLE: I doubt that.
PAUL: I’ve played both.
KYLE: Prove it.
PAUL: There’s no way to prove it.
KYLE: When we get home, I’ll play you in both of ‘em.
PAUL: There aren’t any squash courts.
KYLE: The college courts are really made for squash.
PAUL: No, those are handball courts. For squash, you have to have a line on the wall, like a net.
KYLE: They have these barriers you can use.
PAUL: I’ve never seen ‘em.
KYLE: They’re in the closet with the wrestling mats.
PAUL: Listen, I didn’t come here to play squash. Didn’t even bring my racket.
AMY: I call it squish.
(They ignore her.)
KYLE: If you won’t play, I guess we can’t prove it.
PAUL: I guess we can’t.
KYLE: I think I could round up a few rackets.
PAUL: I really didn’t plan to play squash here.
KYLE: ‘Fraid you’ll get beat, huh?
PAUL: No. I’m not bad. I’ve had some lessons.
KYLE: Oh, you’re too good for me?
PAUL: You’ve never played before.
KYLE: I have an aptitude for racket sports.
PAUL: Forget it. I’m not playing.
KYLE: I think you’re scared.
PAUL: Whatever, Kyle.
JACK: I got a bottle of wine. Wanna glass?
PAUL: No thanks.
JACK: It’s good stuff.
PAUL: No, I think I’ll just relax for a bit.
KYLE: “A bit?” Did you starting saying that in England?
PAUL: It was a long trip.
JOAN: Wine could make him pass out and he’d miss the New Year.
JACK: Wanna glass of vodka? Grigoriy brought it.
PAUL: Vodka. Da.
JACK: Tastes like hell.
PAUL: No thanks.
AMY: Paul.
PAUL: What?
(AMY gives him a knowing look, reminding him to use his manners. He gets the message.)
Okay, I’ll have a glass of wine. How long before dinner?
JOAN: Couple of hours. Let’s sit at the table.

2 Replies to “Dodo of the Year”

    1. I don’t mind sending you the script as an attachment — but would you mind giving me a little more information (the college, the class, etc.). Just so I know it’s legitimate — and to satisfy my curiosity.



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