Too funny. Helped cheer me up last night after a long day.
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Beck – Not So Mellow Gold|
In her new memoir: Going Vogue: How I Saved the My Country’s Ass, Sarah Palin fondly remembers her greatest achievements as President of the United States.
In an interview published yesterday on Craigslist, Palin brushed off questions that reminded her of the fact that she was never elected and therefore never served as President of the United States.
“Aw — now that’s just the left wing liberal commie media trying to pick on me again,” she says.
“I can’t decide what the best thing I did was,” writes Palin, in the soon-to-be-published book.
“It was either eliminating the death tax, capital gains tax, or income tax,” she writes. “Whichever — it worked. There’s no more government spending, and no budget deficit.”
She also credits the end of abortion and birth control as strategies that will have long term benefits for the country.
“The increased reproduction will grow our population and the numbers in our military,” writes Palin. “We need more children to fight in future wars that will make our country safer.”
Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, a strong Palin supporter, fully supports the Palin Presidency.
“Real Americans know Sarah Palin was President,” says Bachmann. “It’s the un-American Americans that try to keep saying she wasn’t the President.”
Carrie Prejean, a Palin intern and former Miss America Pageant contestant, helped Palin write the book.
“This is not only one of the first books I’ve ever worked on,” says Prejean, “but I think the Palin memoir will go down in history as one of the first books I ever read.”
Prejean, a strong opponent of gay marriage who believes people should have sex only with themselves, also believes strongly that Palin was President.
“Saying she’s not President is inappropriate,” says Prejean.
Glenn Beck, of Fox News, noted that Palin’s “book” rhymes with “cook,” as in “cooking the books,” — something Beck claims poor people do on a regular basis.
Beck also points out that Hitler, in fact, did cook books — and that “cook” is “something people do to corn,” which is contained in the word “acorn.”
“Cook also rhymes with ‘look,'” says Beck. “As in ‘look’ how choked-up I get about loving my country.
“It also rhymes with ‘took,'” he says, “as in they ‘took’ out my appendix so we can ‘took’ back our country.'”
Who wants change? A change that gets a health care system in which everybody is cared for, and everybody pays?
Most of Congress
Who wants to keep the system we’ve got, the only modern nation in the world in which everybody is not covered?
Health Insurance Companies who are spending millions of dollars a day to convince Americans not to “rush into anything,” even though this legislation has been in the works for 60 years.
Congress Members who get big money from health insurance companies to misrepresent the facts.
Who cares about working Americans?
Conservative talk show hosts are in a frenzy, and this time they have the nation’s youth on their side.
In his continued push for American economic survival, U.S. President Barack Obama has jeopardized his popularity with young people by suggesting they learn math in school.
“Our children rank 32nd in the world in math,” the President said. “This is not acceptable in a global economy.
“We are every bit as smart as other countries. We just need to invest in education, reform our schools, and inspire our children to put in the hard work that is necessary to succeed in math.”
Conservative talk show hosts know that young people are the key to future listening audiences, and they can taste the red meat.
“This President favors public, government owned, government run education! That costs money!” cried Rush Limbaugh, who just signed a $400 million dollar contract for his radio program. “This one will bring Obama down! He wants socialize learning!
“Soon — there’s no telling what these kids will be thinking.”
Limbaugh urged his large listening audience to keep children home from school on days math is taught.
Fox’s Glenn Beck also sees the red flag.
“Math!” Beck screamed, as he jumped from one table to another during taping of his show.
“He’s a socialist, communist, Nazi dictator, just like Adolf Hitler,” said Beck. “Today, he wants our children to learn math! Tomorrow, it could be history, or even art! Next thing you know, he’ll want them to go to college!”
Beck, who never went to college, sees education as “the ultimate proof that a person is a communist.”
The conservative’ “oppose everything” strategy that, until now, has played well with Bubba, may finally reach a younger audience — pay dirt for Republicans.
“Obama’s efforts to control health care costs, avoid another great depression, and withdraw from Iraq appeals to progressive voters who already have fixed political views,” says Dr. Jill Heckstrongermash, Professor of Political Science at UNCDB.
“But these economic issues don’t excite children,” she says. “And they will be voters in a few years.
“Math, however, evokes a visceral response from a huge demographic.
“The majority of school children fear math in general.
“When you start talking about calculus and trigonometry, you’re scaring the hell out of most high schoolers.
“That’s why talk radio wants to keep this story alive,” said Heckstrongermash. It’s a huge opening for the Republicans that could pay dividents for years to come.”
Buried in H.R.3200 – America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009, President Barack Obama’s 1,018 page plan to overhaul the U.S. health care system, is a provision that allows the federal government to dictate the breast size of each American woman.
Referred to as “9856(z)18 BREAST AUGMENTATION FOR AMERICAN WOMEN,” the provision is hidden so deep in the dense text that it’s nearly impossible to find, read, and decode.
But it’s there, in paragraph 4,358,694, stating that “a panel of men who work for the federal government will examine every woman in the country in order to determine her most attractive breast size.”
The panel will also choose her plastic surgeon and conduct follow-up interviews, reserving the right to order additional surgeries down the road, if necessary.
H.R. 3200 provides for all former, living U.S. Presidents to oversee the project. Male members of the U. S. House of Representatives, Senate, and male U.S. Governors will chair the panels and choose its members.
Sarah Palin, herself a former governor, and also a woman, was outraged.
“I’m insulted,” she said. “Mine are perfect. The judges in the Miss Alaska pageant said so. My breasts belong to Todd first, then Alaska second, and next in line my great country, the USA, third — not the stinkin’ federal government.
“Abraham Lincoln may have said our government is ‘by the people, in the people, on the people, or something like that; but good ol’ Ronnie Reagan said ‘Government is not only A problem, it is THE problem, or something like that, ya’ know? That’s why I voted for Reagan.”
Updating her Facebook status, Palin, also a former Vice-Presidential candidate, wrote about her daughters’ breasts. She said that she’s pleased with Bristol’s, but admitted that some of her daughters’ breasts, once they develop, may need a little work.
“But that’s a private, family matter,” she said.
“First he was a community organizer. Then a constitutional law professor. Now he wants to organize the constitution of underage girls’ boobies. That’s outrageous.
“That may be the way they act in Kenya, but not where I come from.”
Senator John McCain, former candidate for President, said hes’ a firm believer in plastic surgery, but not at taxpayers’ expense. He supports government health care only for military personnel, military children, and members of Congress.
“It’s been fine for me, my entire life,” McCain said. “But I needed it.
“I don’t think the federal government can afford to help the general population, however. The government messes everything up. It’s too much spending.
“The bill will never pass,” McCain said. “We’ll fight it. We’ll stomp it. We’ll crush it. We’ll beat it. We’ll defeat it. We’ll kill it.”
Glenn Beck, on his Fox TV show, wept openly.
Even after gathering himself during a commercial break, Beck could barely speak through his tears.
“They are going to send government photographers into your homes and take pictures. Then they’re going to pick out the women they want to see again and haul them in.
“I love my country,” Beck said. “I think Obama is a sexist. Next, he’ll want to check my penis size. That’s just like the kind of things Hitler did. He’s the same way! A dictator!”
Health Insurance CEO Ron Williams, of Aetna, says he will help fund a massive advertising campaign in order to fight the intrusive provision.
“Somebody’s got to stand up for the American patient,” says Williams. “Since I made over 40 million dollars in 2007 — a damn good year — I feel a moral obligation to do that.”