Copyright 2010, by Samuel M. Post.
Note: If you’d like to produce this play, on stage or in a class — please email me and ask permission. It will be granted, but I’d really like to know about it.
Greg, a young husband
Amy, a young wife
Daisy Soaralot, Lee Street Theatre board member
Production Note: Of course it’s not practical to construct a set for a 10 minute play. Certain objects can be represented with simple props and pantomime.
AMY slices an onion in the kitchen. GREG sprawls awkwardly on the floor, his head underneath the sink. He uses a pipe wrench, trying to repair a pipe. They are a young couple that lives in the house AMY grew up in.
GREG: This whole house needs new plumbing.
AMY: No it doesn’t.
GREG: It needs new everything.
AMY: It’s fine.
GREG: You think it is.
AMY: It’s a great house.
GREG: You’ve never lived anywhere else.
AMY: We’re lucky to have this house.
GREG: Everything’s falling apart.
AMY: It’s a little drip. If you can’t fix it, say so.
GREG: I can fix it.
AMY: If you can’t fix it without telling me the whole house is falling apart, I’ll gladly call Steve.
GREG: That’ll cost!
AMY: The emotional cost of listening to you is very high.
GREG: It’s just…this whole place went a long time without maintenance. It needs a lot.
AMY: And how much did you pay for it?
GREG: That’s not the point.
AMY: How much?
GREG: That’s not what I’m talking about!
AMY: You’re complaining about a house we got for free!
DAISY enters from the back of the house, through the audience. She’s not part of the play and seems oblivious to it. She moves through the audience and onto the stage. She’s loud and uses exra good diction. She holds a glass of wine in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. She’s cheerful, and obviously drunk. She addresses the audience.
DAISY: Hello everybody. I’m Daisy Soaralot, member of the board of directors of Lee Street Theatre and current President of the Six Pack Play Project and temporary Chair of the Six Pack Play Development Committee! God – what a year I’ve had! Anyway – let’s see… thanks for being here tonight for our Six-Pack of 10 Minute Plays!
GREG and DAISY break from their characters. GREG rises. They stare, in disbelief, at DAISY.
DAISY: As you know, we are excited to bring you these ten minute plays. Why do we like ten minute plays? Well, for one thing — they’re short!
GREG: Excuse me, Daisy. We’ve already started.
DAISY: (to GREG) Hush! I’m almost finished.
to the audience
DAISY: We love having you here in our black box theatre. Don’t forget, there’s a bar in the back. It’s wide open! Visit early and often.
AMY: Not during the show.
DAISY: I don’t mind. (addressing the audience) Enjoy the show!
She starts to clap and smiles wildly, inviting the audience to join in giving herself a round of applause. She exits.
After a moment, GREG gets back under the sink and resumes his character.
GREG: This is gross.
AMY: I’d rather call Steve than listen to you.
GREG: I’m not saying it’s not a good house. But I’m telling you – I’ve talked to people about it, including Steve. He looked around. I’m telling you, it needs all new pipes. Your parents didn’t take care of this house.
AMY: They took great care of this house! Spending money on a plumber is easier than listening to you.
GREG: Just stating the facts.
AMY: It’s the way you say it. It’s disrespectful to my Mom and Dad. Extremely. Greg. I can’t listen to this.
GREG: It’s not disrespectful.
AMY: It’s most disrespectful.
GREG: It’s just who they were.
AMY: It’s not!
GREG: Why change them in your head just because they aren’t here anymore? It’s not bad. It’s just…the truth. No big deal.
Enter DAISY. Again, she takes the stage and addresses the audience.
DAISY: I forgot to tell you. We carefully selected these plays from a pool of entries — like a contest! Some will make you laugh. Some will make you cry. Well, they’re not supposed to make you cry. We explicitly asked for comedies – but that doesn’t mean they won’t make you cry, if you know what I mean. By the way, our next Lee Street production will be…
AMY: Daisy, we’re in the middle of the play.
DAISY: (to AMY) Bite my ass! I’m on the board of directors! You’re just an actor.
AMY begins to cry.
Sweetly, DAISY addresses the audience.
DAISY: Tickets are selling like hotcakes for our next show, which is… wait a minute… this might be our last show of the season. Is this our last show?
DAISY: Last show! Bottoms up! Thanks for being here, everybody!
She exits. She takes a seat in the audience and speaks to the person next to her, offering the wine.
DAISY: Want some of this?
GREG takes his place on the floor.
GREG: They just… didn’t call the plumber when maybe they should have.
The emotion of the traumatic interruption has affected AMY. She’s flustered, and she uses it in her performance.
AMY: Stop it!
GREG: It’s not them, it’s property – that’s all.
AMY: You’re not talking about property. You’re talking about my parents. And you’re also telling me, in that passive way of yours, that you’re not ready to start a family.
GREG: Not ready to start a family!
AMY: You know we couldn’t afford it if we had house payments.
GREG: I don’t want house payments. I’m talking about this place. It also needs to be wired. And it needs a roof.
AMY: Who’s got money for that? What’s wrong with you?
GREG: I’m telling you what the house needs. It needs… really… it needs new floors.
AMY: Floors? They’re fine.
GREG: They’re shot. Look down once in a while and you’ll see. Look right there. Right under your feet. Look at those boards.
DAISY, in the audience, stands and looks for her wine bottle, which she’s lost.
GREG and AMY stop, momentarily, and look at her.
She finds it and fills her glass again, making noise with the bottle tapping the glass. She makes more noise when she sits down and puts the bottle on the floor beside her.
Resuming the play, AMY suddenly notices something outside and goes to the window.
AMY: What is that?
GREG: (commenting on the floor) They’re scratches. Gouges, really.
AMY: (moving closer to the window) No, that.
GREG: Gouges. It needs to be refinished.
AMY: No, that!
AMY: That. Out there.
DAISY: The window, stupid!
AMY: Get up. Look out here.
GREG gets up from under the sink.
DAISY speaks to the person beside her
DAISY: Now I can’t reach it. Hand me that bottle.
He comes around to the window.
GREG: It’s a truck.
AMY: What’s she doing?
GREG: How would I know?
AMY: Do you know her?
DAISY: (to the person beside her) This is boring, you think?
Pause. GREG stops, then focuses on AMY.
AMY: What is that?
GREG: That’s not…
AMY: She’s driving away.
GREG: Just a minute.
GREG exits quickly. AMY watches through the window.
GREG: from offstage… Hey!
Moments later, GREG enters with a bassinet. AMY looks inside.
AMY: It’s a baby.
GREG: It is.
AMY: A baby girl.
GREG: Uh huh. (pointing) That came with it.
AMY reaches in and pulls out a note. She reads it to herself.
AMY: That’s it?
GREG: That’s it.
AMY: Why here?
GREG: You’re asking me?
AMY: Did you get that tag number?
AMY: (reading the note) “Please take care of my baby.”! (to GREG) I don’t want her baby.
DAISY stands up and begins clapping. AMY and GREG stop and look at her.
GREG: (to DAISY) We’re not finished.
DAISY: Seems like ten minutes to me.
AMY: (beginning to sob, pleads with DAISY) We just have a few more lines.
DAISY: Go on!
GREG tries to gather himself. He’s lost his place in the play.
GREG: (to AMY) Line.
AMY: (spitting out her previous line quickly) I don’t want her baby.
GREG: (to himself) That’s right. (back in character) Neither does she.
He looks in the bassinet.
GREG: Neither do I. (Looking out the window.) What — is she crazy?
GREG: Just puts this down on the sidewalk and drives off into the sunset?
AMY: Pretty sunset.
GREG: Yeah. It is, really. The sky is like gold.
AMY: Like an amber sky. Nice name for a girl – Amber. We could name her Amber.
GREG: (to Daisy) We’re still not finished. (to AMY) Wasn’t that my line?
AMY: (breaking down) Yes! I’m sorry.
GREG: Nice name for a sky, Amber. We could name her baby. I mean girl. Uh, now I’m really off.
AMY: Talk to the baby.
GREG: That’s not what I’m supposed to do.
AMY: Do it anyway!
DAISY: Are you done yet!
They turn and look at DAISY, blank. After a moment, AMY picks up the bassinet stomps off stage.
GREG takes the cue and exits.
DAISY rises and takes a drink.
DAISY: Ten minutes! Somebody hit the lights!
End of play